From the Blog

A classic, especially as NZ has had so many sheep. A very well trained dog, humor and scared sheep!

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'Collywobble' tells the tale of veteran sheep shearing champion Arthur Arthurson.
We see him bringing his sheep from the hills for their spring shearing, jumping nimbly from crag to crag as he herds them into his little yard, just as he has done every year for the last 60 years.

This year, however, will be somewhat less traditional. Arthur accidentally shears his faithful dog, Ben. As we see him standing proudly at the end of the commercial, a monument to the human struggle against the combined forces of nature and time, the inevitable words appear: Should've gone to Specsavers.

(August 2006, Brazil) August brings us a winner from Brazil, who tried to disassemble a Rocket Propelled Grenade (RPG) by driving back and forth over it with a car. This technique was ineffective, so he escalated to pounding the RPG with a sledgehammer. The second try worked--in a sense. The explosion proved fatal to one man, six cars, and the repair shop wherein the efforts took place.

14 more RPG grenades were found in a car parked nearby. Police believe the ammunition was being scavenged to sell as scrap metal. If it wasn't scrap then, it certainly is now!

(2006, Vietnam) In a similar event, a Rolling Stone isn't all that gathers no moss. Three men scavenging for scrap metal found an unexploded 500-pound bomb perched on a hill, and decided to retrieve it with help from Sir Isaac Newton. As they rolled the bomb down the hillside according to the laws of gravity, the bomb detonated, leaving a four-meter crater and sending the three entrepreneurs to a face-to-face meeting with their Maker.


(17 April 2006, England) There's always someone who thinks good advice doesn't apply to him. For example, if a doctor advises that the one thing you must not do is go near a flame, as you are going to be covered wtih a flammable material, most people would take this advice onboard, and not strike a match until the flammable material has been removed.

However, Phillip, 60, knew better than his doctor. Philip was in the hospital to treat a skin disease, said treatment consisting of being smeared in paraffin-based cream. Philip was warned that the cream would ignite, so he definitely should NOT smoke. But he just couldn't live without that cigarette."

Smoking was not permitted anywhere on the ward, but Phillip took this setback in stride, and sneaked out onto a fire escape. Once he was hidden, he lit up... inhaled... and peace descended as he got his nicotine fix. Things went downhill only after he finished his cigarette, at the moment he ground out the butt with his heel.

The paraffin cream had been absorbed by his clothing. As his heel touched the butt, fumes from his pyjamas ignited. The resulting inferno "cremated" his skin condition, and left first-degree burns on much of his body. Despite excellent treatment, he died in intensive care.

Using the Darwin checklist:

1.Reproduction -- if he has children, he's not having more.
2.Excellence -- this one I'll remember!
3.Self-Selection -- he was warned paraffin & flames don't mix.
4.Maturity -- At 60 I guess he was old enough.
5.Veracity -- Major UK news carriers covered the story.

Be careful when trying to execute this update! It might backfire on you just like this guy.

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 1.0.11 to Wife 1.5.x. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.

In addition, Wife 1.5.x installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I can't seem to keep Wife 1.5.x in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 1.0.11, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.5.x
Please help!
Thanks,
A Troubled User.  Tongue


REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0.11 to Wife 1.5.x, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.5.x is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.5.x and to return to Girlfriend 1.0.11. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed. (Backup of Girlfriend 1.0.11 will also not work efficiently once Wife 1.5.x is installed.)

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 1.0.11 because Wife 1.5.x is designed to not
Allow this. Look in your Wife 1.5.x manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child Support." I recommend that you keep Wife 1.5.x and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C: \ APOLOGIZE. Because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway. Wife 1.5.x is a great! program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.5.x comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.5.x is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0!

WARNING!!!
DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.5.x and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Soon a new improved stable version wife 1.5.x will be available .So you are advised to upgrade as soon as possible.

If you try to violate the above recommendations, you will find yourself in trouble sooner or later.

(Broome, Australia) When you work as a diver on a pearl farm, there are many ways to "buy the farm." Mitchell Ether was my head diver for a couple of years. Known as Sharky, he was a can-do guy, not afraid to take risks to get the job done. He was a loose gun in a company of cowboys, and he seemed destined to make an original exit.

One example happened in Roebuck Bay. He miscalculated the amount of fuel needed for the air compressor, which pumps air to the divers below. Instead of following standard procedure, bringing everyone up and refuelling during a surface interval, he surfaced alone mid-dive to top up the fuel tank while the compressor was still running.

The deck was unsteady, and naturally he spilled some petrol. The compressor had been running for hours. Its red-hot exhaust ignited the spilled fuel, and the flames followed the fuel into the half-filled tank.

The dive boat was brand-new, and worth $200,000 fully kitted out for the pearl farm, including an oxygen bottle for resuscitations. The resulting mushroom cloud explosion from the oxy bottle startled observers all the way back in town, 5 kilometers away.

Luckily Sharky jumped back into the water before the big explosion, and he and his crew were picked up by another dive boat.

Despite this incident, Sharky was promoted to skipper of one of the larger vessels. He still found excuses to don the old dive gear, however. One such excuse was when a mooring rope tangled around the boat's propellor. Instead of asking an outfitted diver's assistance, Sharky chucked on his dive gear, started the compressor, clipped on his dive hose, and jumped off the back of the boat. But he neglected to take the boat out of gear...

The spinning prop soon entangled his dive hose and started reeling him in. His "lifeline" pulled him through the prop, and he died on the way to hospital. Sharky didn't have any children (that he knew of) but he did have a wicked sense of humour.